Thursday, September 13, 2012

More Money, More Fun

The following post is being submitted for this week's Dude Write lineup. Wow, the Dude Write dudes have been at it for 100 days. Check out all the posts and hopefully read some good posts. Then come back and vote for your favorites.

Massage (Photo credit: o5com)
Many years ago, I suffered from some very severe back pain.  It came from years of taking part in sports and just throwing my body around with reckless abandon.  I thought nothing of diving for ground balls while playing baseball and other sports.  Eventually, that wear and tear took its toll on my body.  I suffered various injuries to my shoulder, knee, and the back.

The worst pain that I suffered was the back pain.  At one point, my back problems became so severe that my body was kind of twisted.  When I looked in the mirror, my hips would be in one place and my torso would be a couple of inches to the right.  The pain was so bad getting out of the car each day that it would take several minutes of stretching to be able to move enough to walk from my parking lot to my office in the morning.

Eventually, the pain got to be so bad that I finally decided to bite the bullet and go to a chiropractor even though it was not covered under my insurance.  I had to pay the entire fee out of pocket.  After several months of treatment, I was able to walk and function like a normal human being again.  I still get the occasional backache, but nothing like what I went through in those days.

Prior to springing for the chiropractic treatment, my family doctor treated me in a very conservative manor.  Every time that my back would act up, he would prescribe muscle relaxers, heating pads, stretching and a week of bed rest.  Things would clear up for a few months and the whole cycle would start again.  As conservative as he was, I am grateful he never suggested surgery.

During one particular bout with my back problems, my doctor gave me a referral for three visits to a physical therapist.  The therapist started each session with some heat treatments.  This was followed up with a series of stretching exercises.  The session would end with some massage therapy.  After my referral ran out, I asked the doctor if he could give me anther referral.  His response was to have my wife massage my back.  Only one problem; at the time I had no wife and had no prospects.

So, I started to look around for a place to get a massage.  I saw a few ads in the Washington Post sports page and called around to see what the price would be for a massage.  Most of the places told me it was $40 for a half hour and $60 for an hour.  I had taken a class in massage at a local community college, and the instructor had told us that we could expect to pay around $60 for a full body massage.

Sorebun Institue Of Sexual Awareness And Massa...
Sorebun Institue Of Sexual Awareness And Massage Parlour (Photo credit: A.Currell)
I decided to check out one of the places advertised in the Post.  I had made plans to go check out some condominiums that happened to be near one of the advertisers.  I made arrangements to stop by for an hour massage between visiting the various condominiums.  I showed up and an attractive Asian woman in a short dress answered the door.  That should have set something off in my brain.

The hostess, proceeded to take me back to a room that had a massage table in the middle.  She took my fee and left.  A second woman then came back to my room.  She was also Asian and was wearing a white lab coat similar to what you would expect from a clinician.  I relaxed and laid on my stomach on the massage table.  The massage went on for several minutes.  The entire process seemed rather clinical.  That is, until the masseuse said to me, "You spend more money, we have more fun."

It was a little difficult to understand her through her heavy accent, so I turned my head to look at her and asked, "Excuse me?"  She repeated herself and said, "You spend more money, we have more fun," only in addition to the statement, she proceeded to open her lab coat, pull down her top to reveal her bodacious tatas, breasts, whatever you want to call them.

Yes, my friends, this was not a legitimate massage establishment.  I stammered something to the effect of that I didn't have more money, and that I just wanted a massage.  She continued with the massage for a few more minutes.  Afterwards, I got dressed and she walked me out to the door.  As I was leaving, I heard her exclaim, "Next time you spend more money, we have more fun! OK baby?"

Sports Massage
Sports Massage (Photo credit: amareta kelly)
There was no next time.  I guess it is safe to say that I was somewhat naive at the time.  Looking back, I should have seen a few warning signs as to the legitimacy of this location.  First should have been the hours the establishment was open for business, 7 days a week, and open late into the evening.  The second should have been the attire of the first women I saw, short, tight black dress.  I am sure there were other signs I should have caught.

As the old adage goes, "live and learn."  I really was looking for a legitimate massage experience at that time.  I never thought that a business advertising in the Washington Post would not be a "legitimate" business.  I was later able to find some legit businesses where I could get a massage.  One establishment went out their way to emphasize that they were a "real" massage business and nothing extra.  That's what I wanted.

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  1. Wow, I've heard of these types of places but never knew anyone who had been before. I've had a few "legitimate" massages in my life, and it was money well spent. Like you, I've had some back troubles in my day and a good massage can work wonders.

    Enjoyed it!

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

    1. nothing like a good massage. once, my mother in law gave me a gift certificate to a day spa. when I got up from my legitimate massage, I was so relaxed that I could barely stand.

  2. Ahhhh good story..."More Money, More Fun"...the reality is that nothing good comes cheap...suppose you did have a wife, or significant other...those massages don't come without a price, as I'm sure you are aware...

    ...I my bashful self probably would have reacted as you did Dick...although right now I could use "More Fun" :)

    Happy Trails and PLU from SSF

  3. Funny because guys usually give the impression, in their jokes, of jumping at this sort of opportunity lol... but here you are being a shy and bashful fellow ;) Very refreshing and a nice read!

    1. well there was the little matter of "more money"

  4. Do you mean to say that your medical insurance had no provision to provide you with a wife to massage your back? How rude.

  5. Wow, thats like taking your paycheck to cash it out at a casino. You probably would have left with more than just fun. Good call and nice post!


  6. It would have creeped me out to keep lying on that table after she said that...I wouldn't have been able to stop thinking about all of the gross things that had happened there!

  7. I live in a fairly small town and we had one of these massage parlors with "the happy endings." The key word being "had" as the place was shut down not long after. Not a very good business strategy to start one of these places in a small, moderately wealthy town.

    That's pretty crazy that she wasted no time flashing you. I just hope she thoroughly washed her hands after treating her last patient.

  8. She just wanted to have more fun by playing Naked Monopoly with you!

    A few massage places around here got shut down for prostitution.

    Reading this also comes at a funny time, because I woke up with incredible neck pains and could really use a massage.



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